5'10. 279 lbs. 42F. Itchy skin. Dry hair. Obese. SI Joint Dysfunction. Diagnosed with PCOS. Insulin Resistant. Allergic to gluten and who knows what else. Backache. Knee deterioration. Painful monthly cramps. Irritable. Judgmental. Angry. Lethargic.
This is not what I thought I'd look or feel like at the ripe young age of 35.
And this is not new. I would say I have been feeling like this for roughly ten years now. I could say it's because I spent the last ten years of my life in very exciting, but also very exhausting New York City. But last year, my husband and I made a much anticipated move back to one of my favorite cities in the world, San Francisco. Now, my days are filled with sun (and fog), less people, a slower pace, great food, access to a great gym, etc. And where am I? Roughly right about where I was a year ago.
There are a lot of events in my history that I can say lead up to the reason why I feel so poorly. But there's only one that explains why I gave up on myself. I am depressed.
Now, being depressed is hard to accept. Which is why I have covered up my depression with overeating, overextending, overachieving and basically overwhelming myself, for about fifteen years now. I have seen my share of therapists, gone on diets, you name it. To be honest, those were all distractions from depression, too; I'll distract myself with this lofty goal I have no intention of actually achieving, so I can steer myself away from the fact that I am just really sad and I don't know how to help myself. And why am I sad? Well, I think part of it is what I'm not letting in, and part of it is what I'm not letting go of.
I've been reading this one book for about a year now. I stop reading it, I start reading it again. Usually it's in the 'book and magazine basket' in my bathroom and I find it whenever I decide to clean out that basket. The book is called The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. The story is a simple and beautifully written narrative re-telling of Dinah, a young girl found in the Biblical book of Genesis, who grows up to be a very in-demand medicine woman throughout her land. Now, it's not that I particularly related to the main character, having grown up in a very non-religious household, and not aspiring to be one of someone's 3 or 4 wives. It is truly an educational read for a woman of today, who is used to rights and stuff. But what I did connect with is the idea of a medicine woman; a woman who could heal herself and her family with an acute knowledge of plants, roots, herbs and the coming of the moon. Where was that woman today? How do modern women heal themselves organically, without prescription pills or articles in the latest magazine? Recently, I attended a wedding reception that took place outdoors, in the redwoods of Northern California. I was flailing about on the dance floor, and for a moment, I realized there were all women out on the floor, laughing and dancing silly. All of the men were just standing around watching us, or off smoking or whatever. But it didn't really matter where they were because in that moment, I felt a surge of power and trust and "knowing". We smiled at one another without comparing our bodies, we danced with abandon, without judging ourselves. We were all women and our bodies were all connected to the earth. I felt powerful and empowered, and I want to learn more.
All that to say, this idea had been stewing within me for awhile, but it came into fruition that day. I can heal myself. I don't need another distraction. I can use learn what women throughout the ages have learned, and I can use what's in my pantry right now to do it.
And so I am embarking on a little experiment, to incorporate the wisdom of the Medicine Woman into the my Modern Girl life of today. I'm excited to tackle each of my ailments and some that aren't even mine. I'm just excited to start using the resources and elements that have been at my fingertips all along.
Excited to get started in the kitchen and ready to share what I learn with all of you. And maybe you can share a few with me, too? We girls gotta stick together. :)
Excited to get started in the kitchen and ready to share what I learn with all of you. And maybe you can share a few with me, too? We girls gotta stick together. :)
